Don't Look Now!

Sometimes it’s best not to get up close and personal

I think it’s fair to say that most people will have recently spent a lot more time than usual on online meetings of some kind. And it’s great, amazing, fantastic etc. etc., just how this mode of communication has connected us with work, family and friends.

But am I alone in wondering WHAT THE HOLY MOLEY the Zoom camera has done to my face??? Now I know that things have been a Little tawdry in the beauty department of late, but truth be told, I don’t make a huge effort at the best of times, so I can’t blame it on lockdown laziness. No, it seems that the camera on my devices seems to be picking up every single sag, bag and line that I suspected, but had no firm confirmation of – until now that is. And don’t even start me on the facial hair.  

It’s more than a little perplexing – I have a mirror, after all, and I don’t look nearly as haggy in that. Sadly, I suspect that may be due to the fact that I try and look in mirror when I don’t have my contact lenses in, and like the grime in the shower grout, things look a lot better through the blurry fuzz of minus 5 myopia. When it comes to hard home truths, The Apple camera is not the only thing to be avoided though. Oh no. I have a few other top tips.

Anyone without the chiseled jaw of an A-lister needs to know, when drying your hair, NEVER pass the hairdryer beneath the chin. Now this discovery was actually made entirely accidentally, and when it first happened, I couldn’t take my eyes from the mirror – watching my turkey neck simulate wind tunnel wobble was indeed nothing short of mesmerising. In fact, if I wasn’t a little bit vain, I’d post a wee video clip, because it really is funny.

Never do a plank in a crop top unless you are an Olympic athlete or in enviable condition.

This one was corroborated with one of my best friends, who had also inadvertently tried this; suffice to say that flesh was moving in directions neither of us expected. It seems washboard abs stay as washboard abs, and anything that isn’t, doesn’t. Whereas under normal circumstances anything untoward around the stomach area can be tucked nicely into pants, a plank and a crop top are not so forgiving. For me the fleshy addition only narrowly escaped carpet burns as I jiggled around to find a more flattering position. Turns out there wasn’t one.

And lastly - don’t look at your armpits in photos. Caught at the wrong angle they can actually resemble a rather tired looking body part I can’t name.